we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize