yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
