my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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