You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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