I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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