I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
