i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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