In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
