so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's always time for handjobs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
