my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
