I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
there is glitter all over my balls
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
