I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
