What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
