Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
