So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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