I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
