Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
