What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
