i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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