Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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