My sheets look like a crime scene.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
