saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
