he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
