there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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