We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
