I think my vagina is haunted
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
