why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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