fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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