My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
