well I can't set my house on fire every night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
don't judge my taste in strippers
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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