I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
