Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
