He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
