I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize