Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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