I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want nice things and good sex
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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