I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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