i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize