There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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