Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
