Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i love accidental penises.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
