I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
