I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
