I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
