He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
