Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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