she was so not down for the gang bang
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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