Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
