If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
