I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize