I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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