I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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