im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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