you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
