It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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