if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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