dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
