did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
